Lately
I've read some articles where people explain that our society has it backwards:
instead of loving our kids so much, we should love our husbands more. After
all, you chose your husband, and he'll be around when the kids are gone, but
you didn't choose your kids. As people say, if we don't have a strong marriage,
the kids will suffer, so loving your husband more is good for your kids. (Try
to tell that to someone whose husband beats her and the kids. I'm sure the kids
in that family appreciate that the wife put her husband above them.) It's also
good to make sure your kids know they're not the center of the universe, as
bloggers these days are convinced that everyone else is doing with their kids. From
a Christian perspective, some people even say putting your husband above your
kids is the "biblical" way. I don't see it that way, and let me
explain why.
Many
people like to put different aspects of their lives into categories, and rate
them in terms of importance so they know what to prioritize. They say God comes
first, then family, then church, then work. Or God comes first, which means
church and ministry come before family, and of course work should be at the end
again (unless your work is church work.) Nobody wants to write on their
tombstone, "I wish I spent more time at work instead of with my
family." Make sure you put yourself last--you don't want to be selfish; or
else decide that without your own physical and spiritual health your family
will suffer, so maybe you should put yourself first. Now they are doing the
same in the family: husband comes first, then kids. The Bible says
that--somewhere, right? As you schedule your life, you think you should rate
your priorities and always choose the more important things first.
When I
was dating my husband, he taught me that this system of rating your priorities
doesn't work. As a college student, I felt guilty if I decided to sleep in
instead of going to an early morning prayer group, even though I was utterly
exhausted and needed the sleep, because I thought God needed to come first. My
future husband taught me that sometimes sleep is exactly what God wanted me to
do. I couldn't just put the category of "God" above everything else
in my life. Let's say you need to go to an important meeting at work or you'll
lose your job, and end up missing your kid's sports activity. That must mean
that you love work more than your family. Or you choose to spend time with your
family instead of getting involved in one of the programs at church. You must
love your family more than you love God. You're late for dinner because you
started sharing the gospel with a stranger at the laundromat. That shows that
you don't love your wife the way the Bible says you should. Guilt, guilt,
guilt. Failure. Stress. Depression. No matter what you choose, someone's going
to be unhappy with your decision, or they seem happy but you feel guilty
anyway.
Instead,
my husband showed me, put God in the center of everything, with everything else
in life (family, work, church, ministry, health, etc.) branching out like
spokes on a wheel. When you work, do it for God. When you take care of your
family, do it for God. When you develop your relationship with your spouse, do
it for God. When you're involved in church; when you're talking with strangers;
when you're spending time with friends; when you're taking care of your own
body--whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it for the glory of God.
This actually sounds more biblical than the mantra: your husband should always
come before your kids. All of these things can be the right choice at certain
times. Sometimes sleeping is exactly what God wants you to do. It's not
unspiritual. Sometimes being with friends is the right choice. Sometimes it's
work. It won't always fit your list of priorities, but if you see everything as
spokes on a wheel--each being the right choice at different times--you can
evaluate each situation separately and look at whether one area of your life or
another needs more time. Maybe you need to go to that important meeting at work
and miss your kid's 5th soccer game, since you went to the first four games
anyway and missing the meeting could cost you your job. Or maybe your work has
become so demanding that you need to quit it entirely and find a new job,
because your family really needs you. Each situation needs to be handled on its
own; there is no one right answer that works all the time (like family always
before job, or vice versa.)
With
this in mind, let's go back to the main topic. Who do I love more--my husband
or my kids? Do we really have to rate our love? Should I rate my kids in order
of who I love the most? Love doesn't have to be that way. I love my husband,
and I love my kids. It's not a contest. I don't have to divide my love. I don't
need to figure out the percentages of how much I love each person in my life
(Square One fans, you should be singing "8% of My Love.") Sometimes
my kids come first, and sometimes my husband comes first. When I'm nursing a
newborn baby for 20 hours in a 24 hour period, and the little time I spend with
my husband is in zombieland, does that mean that I love my baby more than I
love my husband? No, it means that taking care of my baby is the right choice
at that time. (And since my husband isn't a jerk, he understands that.) When we
tell our kids to go play quietly in their rooms so Mommy and Daddy can have an
important conversation, does this mean that I love my husband more than I love
my kids, or that I put my husband above my kids? No. If I spend a lot of time
with my kids, feeding them, clothing them, playing with them, teaching them, and
less time with my husband, do I have my priorities wrong? Not necessarily; my
husband can feed himself and wipe his own butt when he goes potty. My kids can't
always do that. Moms of little ones are going to spend tons more time with
their kids than with their husbands, and if they believe that that means they
are doing something wrong because they're not putting their husband first, they
could be living in guilt, failure, and depression. Not good.
It's
important to realize that my husband does need my time, my attention, my love.
It's not good to neglect my relationship with him. At times, I need to
prioritize him--get the kids to bed early so we can have time together; take
the kids to Grandma's and go on a date; get the kids involved in a movie or
other quiet activity so my husband and I can talk in peace; put the kids to bed
by myself so my husband can go teach a Bible study or go jogging. I love my
husband, and I want him to feel loved. At the same time, my kids need my time,
attention, and love. Sometimes I have to tell my husband that I can't talk to
him right now because I'm trying to get the kids their lunch or help someone on
the potty. Sometimes our time in the evening is interrupted by our son's
nightmares or sore throat (both involve screaming; it's hard to tell which one
it is.) Sometimes I say no to an activity my husband would like to do because I
already have something planned with the kids. At times the kids come first. At
times my husband comes first. Each situation should be handled separately, not
in a hierarchy of who is the most important in my life. Sometimes I come
first--I need sleep, or an evening with my friends! What matters is that I am
responsive to my husband's needs, and to my kids' needs, and to my own needs, and
to everyone and everything else in my life, and I ask God to help me choose
what is best at that time. The way an individual family will decide how to
schedule their lives so that everyone feels loved will vary from family to
family. Some wives will say to their husbands, "Never work overtime; I
need you." And that's okay if that works for their family. Another wife
won't mind if her husband works overtime, as long as he has some quality time
with the family another day. One husband will want to take his wife out on a
date with no kids every week, and another will be happy to go out with the kids
and snatch time alone with his wife later when he can. Smart husbands realize
that mommies of little ones will have more energy and romantic inclinations
toward them if they take the kids out once in a while and give their wives a
break. Other husbands will feel hurt that their wives don't seem to have energy
or affection for them since the kids were born, and just withdraw or spend time
away from the house. Smart wives will realize that their husbands don't want
them to just be mommies 24/7, and they'll find ways to delegate some of their
childcare responsibilities so they can spend time with the hubby. Other wives
will spend every moment with their kids, doing everything they can for them
while their husbands feel neglected. Still other husbands and wives will pour
themselves into everyone they can, yet constantly feel guilty that they're
doing something wrong.
As I
said, the answer is not that we should prioritize one over the other. The
answer is that we should love our husbands and our kids, and try to be
sensitive to their needs. Talk about whether the daily schedules and routines
are working. Ask if anyone is feeling left out, and try to find a solution
together. Instead of a husband saying, "You love the kids more than you
love me!" he could ask, "Can I take the kids to the park so you can
have time to yourself, and then we can send them to Grandma's and go on a
date?" Instead of a wife saying,
"You never help me take care of the kids!" she could say, "If
you get the dishes done and play with the kids, I might have more energy to
spend some time with you tonight."Everyone's family will look different; everyone
will find different solutions for the same problems. The answer is not to just
try harder, work harder, and everything can get done with no one feeling left
out. The answer is that whatever you are doing, you are doing because you
believe that's what God wants you to be doing. Even if it's the
"unspiritual" stuff like sleeping, eating, or working. Love your
kids, your husband, your community--and don't worry about who you love more or
who you put first in your life. Throw away the guilt, listen to what people
need from you, and work out solutions together. No one can tell you the perfect
formula for how to schedule your time. The Bible doesn't even do that; it says
that there is "a time for everything," but when to spend time on
which thing will vary. Let me say it again, whatever you do, do it all to the
glory of God.
*This article was written from my personal perspective, as a
wife and mother in a happy, functional marriage. As I mentioned briefly in the
intro, some spouses are in situations where the kids are in danger if they
think of their spouse before the kids. Kids are dependent on their parents for
their safety, health, and wellbeing. Never allow your children to be abused or
neglected by your spouse. If you are in that situation, definitely think of
your kids first and get out! Your kids need you.
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